Can't Get to Heaven Song
'Cause an old Ford car won't get that far
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a ping pong ball
'Cause a ping pong ball is much too small
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a limousine
'Cause the Lord ain't got no gasoline
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Sabre Jet
'Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Girl Scout's arms
'Cause the Lord don't fall for those feminine charms
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a rocking chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no lazybones there
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a wicker chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no baskets there
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a biscuit tin
'Cause a biscuit tin's got biscuits in
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an apple tree
'Cause an apple tree's got roots you see
Oh, you can't get to Heaven on roller skates
You'd roll right by them Pearly Gates
You'll never get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra
'Cause your girlfriend's bra can't stretch that far
Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a Honda bike
'Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our row boat
'Cause our row boat won't even float.
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in dirty jeans
'Cause heaven's got no washing machines.
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Kleenex box
'Cause God don't like no dirty snots.
Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a pair of skis
You'll shuss right through St. Peter's knees.
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our Leader's pants
'Cause his pants are full of ants
Oh, you can't get to Heaven on water skis
'Cause the angels don't like hairy knees
Oh, you can't get to Heaven with powder and paint
'Cause it makes you look like what you ain't
Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a strapless gown
'Cause that gown thing might fall right down
Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right
So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white
Oh one fine day, and it won't be long
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone
And if you get to heaven before I do
Just drill a hole and pull me through
But if I get to heaven before you do
I'll drill a hole and spit on you
Well if I get to heaven, before you do
I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue
That's all there is, there is no more
St. Peter said, as he shut the door
Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed
And that's the end, St. Peter said
As he closed the gates, And went to bed.
Click one to vote:
Feb 03, 2015 - Mary griffin calvert
Mar 28, 2016 - Joshua
May 03, 2016 - Tom
Jul 04, 2016 - Scoutdaughter
Jul 22, 2016 - Deathbot 3000
Aug 29, 2016 - Graham Fewell
'Oh you'll never get to heaven on a cigarette
Cos the Lord ain't go no ash trays yet.'
Sep 06, 2016 - Cheryl zonneville
Oct 15, 2016 - Paul Drew
"You can't go to heaven in a platex bra 'cuz a playtex bra won't stretch that far"
As a child that made me smile.
May 01, 2017 - Toby
Jun 09, 2017 - Elle
Oh you'll never go to heaven,(sung by solo, then group repeats).
In a baked bean tin(as above)
Cos a baked bean tins
Got baked beans in.
Then all sing the following
Oh you'll never get to heaven in a baked bean tin cos a baked bean tins got baked beans in
I aint gonna grieve my lord no more, I aint gonna grieve my lord, I aint gonna grieve my lord, I aint gonna grieve my lord no more. We sang this at school when visiting other schools on trips and at girl guides.
Jul 30, 2017 - dr. j. f. belanger
Jan 09, 2018 - Hyral Prowse
Apr 20, 2018 - Kim McCormick
Jun 12, 2018 - Paul Wilson
Sep 21, 2018 - Eric Roberts
Then we'd sing, "all my sins are washed away I've been redeemed."
Jun 01, 2019 - A.B. Snyder
Uncle Fred's car/stops at every bar
Verses I made up for the kids:
your grandma's best gown/'cause she's already there and has it on
a green John Deere/they grow no crops that's what I hear
with silver and gold/nothing there is bought or sold
if you talk too loud/ it's quiet there up in the clouds
Jun 27, 2019 - CJ
Dec 26, 2019 - Cecilia
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