Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an old Ford car
'Cause an old Ford car won't get that far

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a ping pong ball
'Cause a ping pong ball is much too small

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a limousine
'Cause the Lord ain't got no gasoline

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Sabre Jet
'Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Girl Scout's arms
'Cause the Lord don't fall for those feminine charms

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a rocking chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no lazybones there

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a wicker chair
'Cause the Lord don't want no baskets there

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a biscuit tin
'Cause a biscuit tin's got biscuits in

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an apple tree
'Cause an apple tree's got roots you see

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on roller skates
You'd roll right by them Pearly Gates

You'll never get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra
'Cause your girlfriend's bra can't stretch that far

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a Honda bike
'Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our row boat
'Cause our row boat won't even float.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in dirty jeans
'Cause heaven's got no washing machines.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Kleenex box
'Cause God don't like no dirty snots.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a pair of skis
You'll shuss right through St. Peter's knees.

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our Leader's pants
'Cause his pants are full of ants

Oh, you can't get to Heaven on water skis
'Cause the angels don't like hairy knees

Oh, you can't get to Heaven with powder and paint
'Cause it makes you look like what you ain't

Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a strapless gown
'Cause that gown thing might fall right down

Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right
So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white

Oh one fine day, and it won't be long
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone

And if you get to heaven before I do
Just drill a hole and pull me through

But if I get to heaven before you do
I'll drill a hole and spit on you

Well if I get to heaven, before you do
I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue

That's all there is, there is no more
St. Peter said, as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed

And that's the end, St. Peter said
As he closed the gates, And went to bed.