Collection of Puns Joke
Hickory Daiquiri: One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.
The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'
'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'
Too Tense: A guy goes to a psychiatrist. 'Doc, I keep having these two dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?' The doctor replies: 'You gotta relax. You're two tents.'
Mathematics: An Indian chief had three wives, all of which gave birth. The first had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of deer hide. The second also had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of antelope hide. When the third gave birth, the chief built her a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. 'Correct,' said the chief. 'How did you figure it out?'
The warrior answered, 'It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.'
What do you get when you run in front of a car?
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Carrion: A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
Chess Nuts: A chess tournament was in being held and contestants from around the world were in the lobby of the hotel bragging about other tournaments they had won. After awhile, the hotel manager came out of the office and asked them to please leave.
'But why?' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
Twins: A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
Florist Friars: A group of friars from the monastery opened a florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist saw his business drop significantly. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh O'Reilly, the toughest thug in town to convince the friars to close down. Hugh beat up the friars and ruined their flowers, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, proving that 'only Hugh can prevent florist friars'.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a soda. The waiter says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.